In reality, most of us have ongoing etiquette issues with the women we count as our friends, from the gal who cancels plans at the last minute to the one who never has a positive thing to say. So why is it so hard to figure out the best way to deal with the pals who are competitive, flaky, negative and…cheap? “Because in most cases you want to have a continuing relationship with that person,” says Amy Alkon, syndicated advice columnist and author of I See Rude People. So if you don’t want to end the friendship, what can you do? Here, six tricky friend dilemmas and how to handle them gracefully.
The Chronic Latecomer
We’ve all been there, cooling our heels at the bar/restaurant/theater, waiting for the friend who doesn’t seem to own a working wristwatch—or at least know how to use one. But telling time isn’t her problem; instead, it’s realizing that your time is valuable, and that being late over and over is simply disrespectful.
What to do about it:
Friends who are consistently late don’t often change their ways, no matter what you say, points out Alkon. If you want to gracefully tell her how you feel, you could try something simple and non-accusatory, such as, “It makes me feel abandoned when people are late.” If she doesn’t register that, you may want to change your own tactics. Avoid making dates that require a precise meeting time, like seeing a movie. If you’re going to go for a drink, invite another friend along so you’re not downing cosmos alone for 45 minutes. Or suggest meeting somewhere you can comfortably hang out solo, like a bookstore near the restaurant where you two plan on having dinner.
The Hyper-Competitive Friend
You get a promotion, she announces some award she won at work. Her apartment is nicer, her boyfriend cuter, her alma mater more prestigious. What gives? “Being competitive with friends is usually a sign of insecurity,” says Alkon; she can only feel good about herself if she slots herself on a higher rung than you.
What to do about it:
First, decide if you think her competitiveness is a compliment or hurtful, says Cindy Morrison, author of the upcoming book Girlfriends 2.0. Maybe she jumps on every bandwagon you do—and tries to do it one better—because she wants to be just like you. “If so, that can be one of the best compliments you can get from a girlfriend,” says Morrison. But it can get irritating if she’s always leaping into your pool, so to speak. “Maybe having a long talk about her goals, wants and needs will help her figure out where to put her energy”—that is, into her own dreams, not homing in on yours. That said, if you suspect her only motivation is to try to be better than you at all costs (and it can cost you plenty, like a job or even a boyfriend!), confront her, says Alkon. Try saying: “I know you care about me, but when I tell you about something good in my life, I feel like you’re not listening, because you jump in with something about you. I’d really like it if we could both be happy with each other’s accomplishments.” If she blows off your concerns and continues to try to best you at every turn, cool the friendship for a while.
The Forever-Flaky Friend
She forgot your birthday, did she? Or flaked on your dinner plans…again! Birthdays and your new puppy’s name are one thing—but when she forgets that you’re going through a rough patch at work, or worse, does insensitive stuff like canceling dates at the last minute, you can really start to feel like the unloved one!
What to do about it:
“It’s important to remind yourself that when friends flake on you, it’s almost never personal,” says Alkon. We all have a tendency to assume that other people’s behavior is a reaction to us and our worth, but that’s not the case, she adds. Your flaky friend is probably flaky in her own life, too—like forgetting to pay the electric bill or make a doctor’s appointment. Flaky or not, is this one of your favorite friends? Does she always make you laugh, or bake you a cake three weeks later when she finally realizes she forgot your birthday? Then she’s a keeper, and you can feel free to josh her about her bubbleheadedness—like maybe the two of you could program your birthdays into each other’s phone. If she’s less willing to joke about it, drop obvious hints: “It’s my birthday next week—want to grab a drink?” The friend who cancels plans at the last minute is another story, says Morrison. “Now and then, everyone has to do that, but if it’s chronic, it’s just plain rude.” Have a heart-to-heart with her, and explain in no uncertain terms that when you agreed to meet up, you were passing up other potential plans. If that doesn’t work, avoid ultimatums—“that’s a leopard that won’t change those particular spots,” says Morrison—and just avoid making solo plans with this friend.
The Self-Centered One
No one has it tougher than this pal: Her baby cries more and sleeps less; her husband is the least understanding; her boss the craziest. Also, no one has it better than her. As with the competitive types, self-centered friends manage to bring the focus onto themselves in good times and bad. But hearing me-me-me-me all the time can wear out a friendship.
What to do about it:
Instead of fuming in silence after being cut off with another all-about-her spiel, give her some time and then dive back in with something like this: “OK, you had your five minutes of fame—now it’s my turn to finish my story!” After all, there’s truth in humor—use it to make your point without hurting her feelings. At times, we can all be like that self-centered person, says Morrison. “She may be going through a stage of life when she’s more preoccupied [with herself],” such as when she’s newly married or just had a baby, so cut her some slack. If your pal is chronically a center-stage-hogger, “it’ll probably always be about her,” says Alkon, “so use it to your advantage. Frame a conversation about you as something you want her opinion on.”
The Negative Nellie
Sure, you know there are bad people and situations in the world—not to mention right in your own family. But you don’t dwell on the negative like a Debbie Downer: the friend who thinks things will never turn out right, that the waiter will never come, that she’s never going to get a cab, a boyfriend, a new job…you name it. You can understand an occasional glass-half-empty attitude, but too often and you’ll start to feel blue, too.
What to do about it:
If she’s a dear friend and you’re worried that her defeatist attitude is dragging her down (not to mention you!), try to point out ways that she can be happier. “I’ve found that gently saying things like, ‘I’m so grateful for all the good things we have,’ and then pointing out very rational reasons to be happy—we live in a free country, we have food and our health—can help,” says Alkon. You can also try to help her improve her situation. For example, if she complains that she’ll never get a better job than the one she has, help her research other options, find a continuing-education class or polish up her resume. If she moans that she can’t afford cool clothes or to fix up her apartment, take her bargain-shopping and have a painting party at her place.
The Cheapskate
Are you always the one who gets the first (and second) round of drinks, because your pal “forgot” to hit the cash machine? Or the one who buys the movie tickets ahead of time—and never actually gets reimbursed? “Money issues can kill a friendship,” says Morrison, so tread carefully.
What to do about it:
Work out whether your friend’s empty-wallet and bad-tipper tendencies are chronic (and probably unchangeable) or the result of a recent change in her circumstances. If it’s the former, you may have to be strategic, announcing at the get-go that you’re going dutch or asking the server for separate checks before you place your orders. But if it’s the latter, have an honest talk with her. “It could be that she’s feeling stretched financially and is embarrassed to say so.” In that case, be the good friend that you are and suggest a low-cost get-together, like coffee and sandwiches in the park, instead of a pricey lunch.
COURTESY
