Months went on and as we tried to talk, things got worse. We were playing the blame game, the girl would often call and abuse me and the confrontation would often escalate to violence. The children were aware of what was happening but were too stunned to speak. This went on until 2010.
In the midst of fighting for my marriage, a church hired me as the training coordinator on matters church membership, dedication, baptism and general training During the final interview, the senior pastor asked if there was anything I wanted to share. As Christians, there is always pressure to look perfect especially to fellow Christians. For a long time, I had been ‘too Christian’ to have problems and had kept quiet about my tribulations. I shared with the senior pastor that my marriage was on the verge of breaking down and if God did not intervene, then I would surely lose it. Still, they hired me.
My pastor was not judgmental. He assured me that they had hired me and not my marriage. On October 15, 2010, I signed my contract. A month and a half later, my husband invited our children for dinner. When the children came back home, they informed me their father had said he was never coming back to me. I felt so disrespected. How do you send my children to tell me that our marriage is over?
Months went by and in April the following year, he came back home saying he was willing to work things out. I agreed but on condition that I was to be the one and only wife. He said that was not an option. I was willing to fight for my husband with another woman, but not with my daughter and at that point he left and in turn, I moved out of our house.
When the finality of our marriage dawned on me, I became angry and depressed. My world stood still for a moment. I had remained quiet for a long time hoping things would change. How would I present this to the public, family, my students and the church, especially my fellow Christians? I was afraid of being judged. Here I was counselling married couples, teaching teenagers how true love waits yet love was not waiting in my own house.
The next three months were the most painful months of my life. I was angry with God and I knew I had a decision to make. To forgive them or die and if I died, I decided I was not going to die alone. Without God, it is easy to take the latter route. Mercifully, I had a lot of support. I belonged to a fellowship in my church called Sister Wednesday and they stood with me through the physical and emotional pain and healing. My long time friends and pastors in my church also stood with me. So I took the easier route, forgiveness.
On June 5, 2011, I went to the Arboretum gardens in Nairobi at 8am with the sole resolve that I would not leave until I had made peace with my decision to forgive my husband and daughter. I ended up crying the whole day but by the time I was leaving at 5pm, I felt the burden lift and I even managed to sneak in a cat nap.
That was the beginning of my freedom. I started looking at life differently, speaking positively and even remembered the fun times in my marriage! By July 2012, I had made the decision to pray for my husband not to come back to me, but because he was God’s creation and my children’s father, a role he upheld by providing everything they needed financially.
In 2013, he insisted that the children stop living with me and get their own place. Without ill feelings, I agreed. Thankfully, our first-born had already joined campus and the second-born was in boarding school. However, whenever they were home, I visited as often as I could.
On April 22, 2015, I was served with divorce papers. I started following up on our shared properties but it was too late as most of them were held under my husband’s name and had already been sold. An attempt to reclaim the properties made me realise I was going to spend so much money and emotional energy, which I needed as I am currently undertaking my PhD studies in management and leadership. I let it go.
As I talk to people now, it is with a lot of understanding. I tell couples while trust is good, do not put people on pedestals. Share property ownership in full because as a couple, you support each other regardless of who chipped in the most.
Spare your children the pain of your drama. When my marriage was breaking, my children were traumatised to the point of silence. As for my sisters, I would urge them to pursue education. I honestly do not know where I would be today if I could not support myself. After everything is said and done, I still honour and love marriage; it is a good thing ordained by God.
Credit: Parents Magazine.
