MASAKU 7s. PART TWO; A K24 NEWS ANCHOR GOES CRAZY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!!
6.15pm…
And before we continue,I must say that I AM DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED in Machakos as a town! God,Machakos is sooo small! So damn small! Hata afathali Githurai Kimbo.
Anyway,Madness continues…
Sonko and his nursery school theatrics is gone…I then walked over to Naivas to buy soda…
As I was going up the stairs into the supermarket, I saw people scattering…People moving out of the way…I panic for a minute and look back pensively…
Aaaaaah,Kumbe ni Governor wa Kibwezi,Kivutha Kibwana…..
His burly bodyguards brush past me…Lord,those Ninjas are huge! If they’d grab me,they’d probably swing me so hard and throw me all the way into 2016!!
Kivutha goes into Naivas too…And then he buys a NEWSPAPER!! A Newspaper!! Who buys a Newspaper at 7.23pm! In the evening! Where were You all day???
Linet is with Me. Sue sijui alienda wapi. Mike is too drunk to stand up. And Charles looks like 45 cabbages in Wakulima Market.
I walk around Naivas supermarket… aimlessly…looking for Coca Cola sodas. Linet wants a pizza!!
I tell her,” Ngoja turudi Nairobi. Utanunua Pizza za Machakos ukute zimepikwa na mihogo…”
Linet laughs out so loud…everyone stares at Us…Halafu Linet fell over to Me…hangs by my shouldera….laughing hard…”Ati Mihogo…Aki Cabuuuuuu!! Cabuuuuuuu”!!
She starts screaming my name aimlessly…And starts behaving like an overfed rat. I’m getting embarrassed now…
We grab a couple 2-litre bottle Coca Colas and head to the counter…
At the counter,we meet guy who looks like he had bought the Whole Naivas…His shopping cart was so full… kwanza ni zile za kusukuma…there was soooo much stuff in his shopping trolley…Mikate,Maziwa kumi,Pampers,Unga,Weetabix,sabuni…Juice…Two pieces of land…an old car,four cows a swimming pool…Haha
And then Linet,crazy as a dead monkey,looked up to the guy,whispering,” Sasa….”
The guy looked at her…smiled coyly and responded,”Poa….”
I just stood there…Looking at Linet and wondered,” How did I end up with this human being???”
Have You ever looked at Your friends sometimes and wondered,” Where did I meet this Mad People??”
Haha.
We paid for our Cokes and hurried out.
Outside,I checked my phone..My Whatsaap precisely. And Charles was blowing it up…
Ukp wapk
Uko waphj
Ukooooo wapffd
Shit! Mkppp
Mkoooopp
Fuck! Auto-coreectt mko wapijj
*wapiii??
Fala hiii mkopop??
Mkooo??
Kinaaaggf
Kubaaagfff
*Kubaff!
Charles had left over 20 messages on my Whatsaap. Asking me the SAME STUPID thing: Uko??
Haha…Clearly,He was having a Real Problem typing out the words.
“Tuko karivu na Naivas
*Karbi
Karimbu Ba natives
Nivea
Baiveas……sgit shit Naivas!
Karibu na Naivas?/!!!
Tunamangana
Shit! Tunamanga pizza.
Pizza. Tunamangamanga na pizza
Mkppo
Mkooo ????
I started typing out my answers…And then I realized my phone Keyboard was more mannerless than his!
Outside,the Carnival mood had set right in! Right in!
Cars were hooting from all corners…..I walked,nay,stumbled over to the Stadium gates and right behind them,some guy was selling condominiums from the back of his car…
“Nunua Codom.Nunua Codom hapa….Uwa mende ,Uwa panya…Oh,sorry,I mean…Codom Codom hapa…Aina yote…Kubwa,Dogo….Flavour yote iko…Banana,Stroooberi,Fanira,Mango…Chocorate..Githeri…Nunua Condoom …”
I walked up to him and said,”Yes,Kinuthia! Kùhana atia? Tuge onawe ní úkire??”
The Guy lights up and replies,”Aaaaahh eeeeh! jùkire wíra wa Kodomu….”
Aki Wakikuyu…Mungu anawaona.
I walked over to the other side…Linet trailing me…The Noise was unbearable…
The human traffic was getting thicker and thicker…And girls were getting more naked every single minute…
7.45 pm.
My sister called! Dammit!!
My sister was having HER BIRTHDAY PARTY Back in Nairobi. Same Day!!
“Uko?? Mnakam saa ngapi??” She asked!
Damn,Damn,Damn! I had TOTALLY FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT HER PARTY! TOTALLY.
“Kwani Uko?? Kuna kelele sana! Mmefika?? Wasee washafika ni nyinyi tunangoja!”
Gai Fafa.
WE MUST GO BACK TO NAIROBI. ABORT MISSION. WE MUST GO BACK TO NAIROBI. NOW!!!
Quickly, I gathered my team of FOUR,convinced them that We COULDN’T AFFORD to Miss My sister’s Bash. And asked them to kindly agree to go back to Nairobi.
They Agreed!! Yeeeeaaaaay!!!
8.03pm.
We left Machakos.
Lakini wapi,IT WAS A GRAND MISTAKE!
THE TRAFFIC JAM WAS SATANIC. As in,Satanic!
Barely 5 Kilometres after leaving Macha tao,We were caught up in the MOST SICKENING traffic Jam ever!!
From where I sat,I could see rows and rows of cars on the slim road…. the traffic was building up and by 10pm,NOBODY COULD USE THE MACHAKOS TOWN ROAD. NOBODY!!
Can You believe that,by 12 Midnight,We were still STUCK IN MACHAKOS???!!!*&%$??!!
Na tulianza safari 8.03!!
It was pure Hell. We got tired of warming our butts in the car and got out.
The crowds outside WERE GIGANTIC.
Man,People were strewn across the roads…Kama gunia za Mboga Marigiti.
And the Drinking went on…And On…
The traffic got so damn that guys shut their cars down,got out and started a party RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of the Road!!
Drinks flowed from All corners….
Music played from close to 100 cars along a stretch of 20 Kilometres plus…
Girls are now dancing and yelling and yelping! Guys are so wasted…..they are sleeping along the roadside.
People decided to make temporary tents…And because Most people had Maasai shukas and Bedcovers, People fell across the roads… Others to sleep…Others to try out things….
I saw a Range Rover Sport packed right next to a Bush. The doors were wide open…And a total of 4 Girls were all close to Near Naked….Kissing and Caressing and Licking and Locking and Kocking…
“Aaarrrghhh GET A ROOM!!!” Sue yelled at them….
“Get a LIFE!” They yelled back!!
“Fungeni Milangooo!” Sue yelled again!
“Funga Mdomooo!” They hollered back!
Hahaha. This girls had witty responses.
The numbers of couples kissing and making out…
scattered all over the road and bushes and roadsides was innumerable.
“CabuuuGaaaahhhh ” I heard some girl scream!
Gai,Whose that??
I looked closely and it was some random girl…I couldn’t remember where I saw her or how I knew her…
Until it hit me,this was Vanessa. An old friend…
She was in the company of around 6 Girls …And Vanessa was wearing such tiny clothes I could almost see her Red Blood cells…
I waved. She waved back and,stretching her arms wide,her mouth wide open,she ran over to me and grabbed me so damn tight I almost felt my veins rupture.
But I LOOOOVED the hug. And squeezed her harder than Larry Madowo squeezing answers from a Mpeketoni resident..
She grabbed me and started leading me away….
And as we walked down the road… I heard LOUD HOOTING and Car sirens!
Another Politician???
I looked back…And No,It was NOT A POLITICIAN.
It was the G.K PRISONS BUS and The Administration Police Bus too. And G.S.U officers.
Huge…Huge Buses. Full of Heavily-Armed Officers…Guns swinging from their shoulders… They were TIRED of being stuck in traffic…tired of the Noise,Madness…Debauchery.
And using the POWER OF GOVERNMENT Machinery,The POLICE OFFICERS,Who were close to 200,all got down and stated ORDERING the Wananchi vehicles to GIVE WAY.
“TOKA KWA BARABARA!!! TOKAAAA!! SONGESHA GARI! SONGESHA HUKOOOO!!!”"
More Officers flooded the road…Guns in hand…Boots banging hard onto the tarmac!
“Ondoa Hii Gari Hapa!! Tokeni Kwa Barbara!!! SONGAA!! Msichana SONGAA!!!”
And one by one, people moved their cars. It was hard. But serikali ikiongea imeongea.
It was now almost 1am PAST MIDNIGHT.
HUNDREDS of Cars were moved to the roadside….Others driven into bushes…Others driving into ditches…It was total chaos!!
And after enough Road was created,the POLICE OFFICERS and their G.S.U and PRISONS counterparts jumped into their buses and drove away!
Like a Boss!
And then as Vanessa grabbed my neck and started handling me like a plate of Mchele Ndengu,I heard someone yelling.
He was yelling hard and crazy! He was standing RIGHT in the Middle of the ROAD!!
He was surrounded by close to 15 Cars…He wouldn’t stop Yelling and banging cars and ordering people around…
“This is STUPID!!! STUPID!! What is wrong with Us?? Kenyans ,what is wrong with Us?? Dammit! We are ALL STUPID!! ALL OF US!!” He yelled ,banging cars. People’s cars.
“What is WRONG with You?? WHAT IS WROOONG with You?? What kind of drivers are You??? This TRAFFIC could have been avoided!! I have been here for 6 Hours!! For six hours!! This traffic could have been avoided!! What kind of drivers are You??? SHAME ON YOU,Man!!”
He kept screaming, banging cars,stomping his feet and shouting to the skies.
I looked close. Closer. Closer…Who is this guy?? And why is he so angry??
Everyone was now looking at him…staring at Him…
And then I realized who he was. It was a K24 News Anchor. I will Not reveal his Name. But EVERYONE who was there knows who he was….
Vanessa grabbed my hand,pulled me up and grabbed me right up to her bust.
I stood there. Not sure whether to be horny or confused.
She took my phone and put it off…
And gave me a cigarette. I told her I don’t smoke…
She told Me,”Stop being a Bitch….”
“But,seriously, I DONT SMOKE….”,I repeated to her….
“SHUT UP AND FOLLOW ME….” she barked….
“But….”
“No.SHUT UP!!” she commanded.
Its now almost 2am in the Morning. People are seated on the cars…Others are making out in bushes, others are lying beside the road… others are kissing…Others are dancing …Others are screaming at nothing and others are cuddling passionately…
Overpowered, I follow Vanessa to her Car….
Its Tuesday now and neither My siz nor Mike nor Charles,Sue or Linet is talking to Me. Four Days later!
But Vanessa is talking to Me…
I think I need to take a pregnancy test…
