For the first time,I attended the Masaku 7s thing. And,Boy,was it a shocker!
Prior to my travelling, I texted Mum and asked her,”Hi Mum,Unawezajua mahali Kenyatta Stadium iko ukiwa Machakos? Ni mbali na town??”….
Mum replied promptly. Told Me she wouldn’t really remember exactly where the stadium would be but figures it wouldn’t be so far from town. Then she asked ,”Na kwanini unauliza?”
For a minute,I thought of LYING to Mum. And tell her that a friend would be travelling there tomorrow. Then I thought,Dammit,I might as well tell her the truth.
I told her that I would be travelling there for a media interview… Yes,Not Masaku 7s. I lied about the Media interview part.
You see,Mum is Kamba. From Kangundo, Machakos to be exact. Immediately, Mum was excited! She asked Me,”Na utatembea Nyumbani??”"
“Hmmm hapana Mum. But nikipata time maybe nitajaribu…”
“Enda ukatembelee uncle wako Ken…” ,she implored. “Nitajaribu Mum…” I reluctantly replied.
Sato Asubui! Mimi Huyoooooo! To Masaku!
I left in the company of 4 friends…Mike,Linet,Charles and Sue.
Mike was driving…
My Brother,TRAFFIC was CRAZY. CRA.I.ZYYY.
We left Nairobi at 12.45 pm….And the madness began.
Linet had brought along around 3 cartons of Beer Cans…Tusker Beer,to be precise.
Mimi sikukunywa. Juu Mimi sikunywangi. Hehehe…Who am I kidding??
Truth is,I am NOT a TUSKER person. I am NEVER a Tusker person. So,I was out of the equation.
But I was properly remunerated when Mike fished out Mizinga mbili ya Smirnoff. God Bless the Journey.
I had brought along 3,2 litre Coca Cola soda Bottles. And some plastic cups too…
And the DRINKING BEGAN.
Mike didn’t need to mix his Smirnoff spirit with any damn soda! Nope! Mike is a bad ass…Mike swallowed close to 6 plastic cups of DRY SMIRNOFF… Dry Freaking Smirnoff spirit!!
Woooiii.
I tried it too. And I will NEVER try that again! Never! I felt my soul leaving my body…And My throat/chest became sooo hot I thought I had swallowed a CORD RALLY.
Traffic was MAD. Mad,Mad.
By the time we fikad Mavoko. We had run out of beer. Halafu we saw teams of young Men running towards our car….They were hawkers! And guess what they were selling?? Not spoons,Not combs,Not Sweets and definitely Not Underwears! Man,these ninjas were hawking BEER!! Haha!
I have NEVER seen that! Beer Hawkers..My Nigga….
We rummaged through our wallets…And bought a good refill.
But it was ALL either Tusker or Guinness cans! I HATE TUSKER and Guinness!!!
Pilsner cans,Anyone???
Linet removed her top. And climbed to the top of our car.
Our car was small…And when Linet sat on it,I heard it cough…Yeah,the little car coughed. And farted. Twice. Hahaha
“Ken,Kuja huku juu!!” Linet hollered at Me. We were stuck in traffic anyway. Cars weren’t moving. Everybody else was jumping onto their cars.
I was feeling dizzy. And totally wasted. I wouldn’t climb up a car! Any car!
Sue got out and started hollering at some REALLY HOT Niggas in the car behind us! Sue is a crazy rat!
Sue went over and started hugging these strange Motherf%&$#%rs …And kissing them on their cheeks! Then she started borrowing their beer!!
Waaaaah!!
“Ambia Sue awache ujinga…” ,Charles told Me. I got out and went to drag Sue back to our car.
She started screaming and removing her shoes. Clearly this girl was wayyy toooo drunk!!
Traffic started moving…I carried Sue and hauled her into our car..
Zoooom!!! We were off!!
My Friends, There were hundreds of cars stretched across the road…You could see cars from Kilometres away…
Cars…Cars…Cars….
And Noisy People…Drunk People…Crazy People…Naked People…Beautiful People…Sick People…
It was a Road Carnival.
We neared Machakos Now. There was another car behind us…A convertible.
3 girls were standing in the little green car…Their heads sticking out as they smoked on endless puffs of cigars…
The driver of the car,also a young girl,started hooting at us. Loudly.
“Harakisheni!” She hollered….
“Si You guys mharakishe ama You let us go!!”Another girl ordered…She as ravishingly garlanded…With ostentatious Designer Shades,a Versace top,Blue jeans pants and acres of makeup.
These girls started yelling at Us. For NO DAMN REASON Man!
I got out of our car,walked right up to their convertible and told them off…Told them to stop being stupid,told them to understand that EVERYONE was in a hurry Not just them,Told them to calm their tits down and relax…
They screamed and leered and jeered at Me,One girl flashed Me the middle finger and another,the craziest one,threw an empty beer can at Me.
Linet and Sue got out of our car! Breathing FIRE!!
Linet literally JUMPED ONTO their Car!! She jumped right in! And started roughing them up!
“F%&K YOU!! F%$K YOU! MOTHERF*&$%#RS!! FUUUUU$%&&KKK YOU!”"
Sue grabbed the side mirrors…And started collecting huge rocks…threatening to smash the windscreens…..
We controlled the girls…Before things got REAL HOT.
MachaKOOOOSSSSS!!!! YEAAAAAHHH!!
We finally arrived…
It was the sickest ,craziest, most sickening traffic ever! It took us a WHOLE HOUR to move from ……
..to Machakos town! A distance that should ordinarily take less than 8 minutes!!!
And by the time we got to the area outside Kenyatta Stadium, The Whole MASAKU EXPERIENCE started sinking in….
There were Cars…Cars and Cars…Hundreds of Young Men and Women…Drunk,High,Noisy,Cantankerous, Haughty, Unruly..All kinds of People!
There was Music! Loud,Louder Loudest Music blaring from a combination of a Hundred Outlets…Music from parked Cars…Moving cars…Music from Roadshow tricks…Music from makeshift Tents…Music in the air,Water and Sea…Jamaican Music,Nigerian Music…Everyone was looking for Johnny…
I saw Girls…Girls …Girls…..
Girls Screaming…Girls Laughing… Girls standing ON TOP of their cars…Girls sitting on their boyfriends….Girls Drinking and Smoking and Swearing….
Girls dressed in t-shirts alone! Girls with the tiniest hotpants…I saw thighs,thighs,thighs…Boobs all over the place…
Crowds were forming Quick. Crowds were dancing RIGHT in the middle of the ROAD…Dancing on the cars….On rooftops…
People were taking photos from all corners…Girls were deeply engrossed in their Selfie business…Capturing endless selfies juxtaposed to all manner of things…
Posting them to Instagram ASAP!! Dudes were taking selfies too…And photographing Every other thing…
And for the photography session, Everyone was equipped with the latest,ultra-smart gadgets….The Best smartphones…Best Cameras…iPads…Tablets…Best Brands….It was either SAMSUNG or APPLE or LG or HUAWEI…
And Because the traffic was sooo damn crazy,A politician decided to USE His POWERS to cut through the traffic and get home quick….
General Mulinge’s Funeral was Happening on the SAME DAY in Machakos….And ALL POLITICIANS had descended to Machakos too…From Uhuru to Moi to Raila to Mutua…All were there for the Funeral. You can now imagine just how crazy the traffic was!!
And then I saw A HUGE,HUGE POWERFUL LAND ROVER cutting through the traffic…
It was A HUGE CAR…A POWERFUL MACHINE…Dark Black in colour…with sparkling fresh rims and earth-shattering tires… the engine roared like a pack of a thousand lions in the Indian Jungle…All the windows were tinted…Tinted to the Black skies…the Heavy Machine was fortified… It looked like a War Machine…An Armoury that could withstand the Haitian Earthquake…It WAS A VEHICLE. A HEAVY MASS OF IRON AND POWER AND BEAUTY.
WE all wondered who was in it…
It came cutting right through the traffic…with police cars infront and behind it…Police sirens were Loud and ear-shattering!
Who was in this MIGHTY LAND-ROVER??
Is it The President?? Is it Moi? Is it Alfred Mutua?? Raila?? Vera Sidika??
Who was it??!!??
Crowds started forming and surrounding the car…Huge,Huge crowds…
Everything stopped…Music was turned down for a moment …Machakos town came to a standstill….
THE LANDROVER shook the town….
And then I saw the door open…Front Door…Driver’s side seat…
A Man stepped down…Who is it?? Who is this??
Crowds knocked heads together trying to get a better view…it was getting dark now…
The Man got out and removed his cap…I saw the rings…And the Blings….
“Soooonkooo!!! Sooonkoooo!!! Sonkoooo!!! Mike Sonko!!!”
Crowds erupted in a thunderous cheer,applause and celebration!!
And the Music,the Beer,the Cheers,the Noise,the Screaming, the Dancing and the Chanting Resumed!!!
Machakos is on FIREEEEE!!!!
Its now 6.56 pm…
*To Be Continued…*
