This is by no means exhaustive, but here are ten things that get a Nairobian’s blood boiling:
1. ‘Red light, green light, yellow light’
When Jamaican reggae artist Eric Donaldson composed Traffic Jam, he might as well have been referring to Nairobi on Saturday mornings-when driving is a nightmare, worse still at the end month when rusty jalopies get a road test. Whiletraffic jams on Monday to Friday are tolerable, the Saturday morning jams and Sunday night ones are inexplicable and insufferable.
2. Panhandlers galore
A decade ago, street children were chased from the streets and forced to benefit from the Free Primary SchoolEducation initiative in 2003. There was some relief, but alas! they have sneaked back, and we are all now either their ‘aunt’ or ‘uncle’ who should dish out money. It is worse if you are well dressed. Or tall like the biblical Cain. While it is humane to be charitable to the less fortunate, when it becomes a lifestyle for lazy adults misusing toddlers, someone should rein in and get rid of not just the begging children, but street families as well.
3. The noisy shoe-selling shops
We woke one day and bang! every shop along Ronald Ngala Street was selling shoes with the help of public address systems to help excite customers. Walking down Ronald Ngala is a ‘daymare’(sic) with every single stall being converted into a shoe-selling shop. They are unregulated and their noise pollution is something that should concern NEMA, if they cared about our eardrums and general health so much.
4. Washrooms that need washing
Very few restaurants pay attention to the little room by the corner or down the corridor. It is worse if you are a lady. Washrooms are mostly filthy and nauseatingly stinky. Many restaurants East of Moi Avenue are the biggest culprits. What with toilets without water and don’t mind saving on air freshener? They often go for the naphthalene balls that are so 1975. The toilet bowl and the cistern have what seems to resemble pre-independence rust!
5. Unpredictable bus fares
The way bus fares are determined is a frequent reminder that we are not as civilised as we thought given the conductor’s whim is king especially at the slightest whiff of rain. One trick is creating scarcity by artificially ‘holding’ matatus so that the queues are longer than commuter’s patience. And when the makanga shouts ‘Sh150’ passengers have little choice but to fork out three times the normal fare. This makes moving around Nairobi an unpredictable experience subject to the weather, traffic police harassment, and choice of matatu. Just why those going to Eastlands are ever in shouting matches with the touts! The middle class hoods of South C, Lang’ata and Kileleshwa are the most exploited as few can raise a voice for a measly Sh20 overcharge.
6. Being dropped before your ‘stage’…
Forget the part of being dropped that rankles us and consider the cavalier attitude of the matatu crew in which there ought to be mandatory courtesy classes for these ruffians in maroon and blue uniform.
7. Dumpsite city in the sun
We don’t know what will come first: Arsenal wining the Barclays Premier League, Jesus coming back or the County Council of Nairobi getting its act together on matters dumping.
Most residents in Nairobi pay garbage collectors who supply black or yellow polythene bags only for the garbage to end on some footpath, behind their flat. Even at the back streets in the city centre, most shops are no better. The Kanjo should bring back the kamero trucks that collected garbage in Nairobi estates most Saturdays.
8. Praise and worship in the hood
Evangelical ‘prosperity’ gospel churches with overzealous preachers and the praise and worship are likely to interrupt your Sunday morning snooze in the most annoying way. If there was an overnight Kesha, woe unto you.
The speakers are placed outside the tiny shanties that pass up for the church and they hope their message will reach as many city sinners as possible. It serves to annoy than to attract the Godless to salvage their wayward ways. What happened to the noise pollution edict?
9. Earsplitting music in matatus (for old geezers)
There is a certain age when the fifth floor appears like it’s ten kilometres away, while deafening Ragga and Hip-hop music becomes intolerable, like terror attacks.
Many adults are often assaulted as they are forced to listen to Tupac Shakur at his most virulent or those Jamaican ‘Riddims’ that are being churned at an amazing rate making life in the traffic jam a living, slow but moving misery. You cannot complain since the refrain has always been, if it is too loud, then you are too old, besides being advised: “nunua gari yako!”
Alongside loud music with the Dj shouting ‘burugutuu!’ whatever that means, are those matatus that knob up the radio presenter discussing bedroom matters in the morning!
10. Crying in the rain
If Nairobians were to make a wish, probably it would be for God to stop the rains from ever dropping in their city. Nothing exposes our collective vulnerability than sudden showers. The traffic is instant like coffee. Bus fares artificially go skyward. The drainage system is a mess. Power blackouts follow. Satellite TV is a blur of rice… and there are queues everywhere!
- The Nairobian
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